I have a day off from work today, and while for most people it would be an opportunity to catch up on cleaning or errands, for me I have to make it a day of rest.
My personality being what it is, I somewhat define myself by what I am able to accomplish, even little things that most people take for granted. So days like these are mentally difficult because as I look at my to-do list, I have to force myself to relax and do nothing. What's even harder is to not feel guilty about it.
Why do I need to do nothing?
I'm sick. I've been sick all summer, struggling with everything from stomach flu (which made our trip to Disneyland great!) to respiratory viruses. Currently I've been coughing for a good month. And while I'm usually in good spirits about these things, I'm worn down to a nub physically and emotionally.
Why all these infections? Because of my Behcet's syndrome I have to take immunosuppressive medication and currently I'm using Remicade. The Remicade is great because I get the immunosuppresion without the lovely gut wrenching side effects of Cyclosporine, but I still get recurring infections that are difficult to recover from. Add to that mix a job in healthcare working with lots of people, two children carrying germs from their two different schools, and a husband who works in a hospital. I'm exposed to a lot of crap.
But life being what it is, I try to minimize the effects of my illness on my work. That is, unless I seriously can't get out of bed, as long as I can walk, I'm coming to work. Sorry. I am. I've had enough flak about sick time to last me ten lifetimes, even with my best efforts, so ready or not here I come...to work...with a cold.
So the reason why I need to force myself to do nothing on my days off is simple. I need to heal. Because every day that I have to force myself to get out of bed sick with a virus or a flare is a day that I am ignoring my health and my body and essentially sacrificing myself to help out at work, to help my family, and to do the things that everyone else sees as everyday life.
So I'm sorry that I'm not coming to the baby shower tonight. I'm sorry that I didn't dust or go shopping or make dinner.
I'm healing. But if it makes you feel better, I feel horribly guilty and useless.
