Two weeks ago I had a miscarriage....again. It will be the latest in a series of them. In August I actually went back on the pill because it was emotionally and physically draining the life out of me.
In August is when I began telling myself the wonderful things about having only two children.
- My four year old is almost done with daycare so we'll have an extra 1160 dollars a month to go on a vacation or go shopping with.
- Vacation packages are built for families of four.
- I'll have more time to spend with the kids I have and more time for myself if I want it.
- We can stay in our current home for many more years instead of having to move right away.
- No more diapers or sleepless nights
- It would be hard to afford going on maternity leave with the reduced income, but more mouths to feed.
But in November, a funny thing happened. A friend at work told me she wanted to try for a third baby, and instead of feeling excited for her, I felt something knot up deep inside me. I was sad. Because I wanted another baby too, but after a few miscarriages, I felt like it physically just wasn't going to happen for me again. Maybe my Behcet's had progressed. Maybe the inflammation created too much scar tissue after the 2nd caesarean section. Something just isn't right with the plumbing these days.
But because of that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I stopped taking the pill again. Just one last kick at the can. And I got pregnant. I felt it in my bones...or more specifically my breasts, and the nausea. So I took a test and it was early but faintly positive. But I was getting more nauseous and more hopeful this time. I don't know why, but I thought this one would stick. And I was convinced it was a girl.
So I began telling myself why it was good to have another baby and specifically a girl.
- It will be a new experience with a girl.
- The boys will have someone else to love.
- I love babies
- It's not the same being the mother of the groom or paternal grandmother. There's something special about being the mother of a bride, or the mother of a child's mother. There's a relationship there that is different than with sons.
And then it happened again. I started bleeding when I was in the storage room digging out Owen's old clothes for Hayden to wear. So I went and cleaned up and went downstairs to tell my husband.
Then I cried. He held me for a long time until I stopped. It was the first time I cried over a miscarriage and I've been trying to figure out why this one was different. Maybe because I felt like this was the "one" that would go all the way. Maybe I felt stupid for even thinking that after how many miscarriages I've already had. Maybe because this meant that I would really NEVER have another child. Maybe because the one last thing that worked properly despite my illness now wasn't working. Maybe because now I had to choose whether or not to have medical intervention which would test how much I wanted another baby, and how far I was willing to go to get one. Probably all of the above.
So what do I do now? I still don't know. I want another baby, but I don't want to compromise my other children in any way. I don't want to use up time and money and resources getting another baby that could be used on them. And I don't want them to feel like they are not enough to complete the family. But I think that another person to love is important. And for my entire life I've always known that I would have three children. And when I see a friend with a baby or talking about having another baby, I feel empty inside.
So what do I do now. I still don't know.
